


can spiders and cats have sex?

by textbookchoices



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: ALL: Everyone has magic, ALL: Everyone is an intelligent insect, ALL: Everyone wakes up amnesiac on a spaceship, Crack, Disastrous Wedding Ceremony Everyone Will Gossip About For Years, Everyone Needs a Cat, Everyone is an animal, Goose Moves In With Character; Everyone Acts Like They've Always Lived There, M/M, Magically Attractive To Everyone, Other, Sex Pollen - Affecting Everyone, To Do: Throw a Wrench In Everyone's Plans. Literally., and No need for anything resembling a coherent plot or ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:42:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26368891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/textbookchoices/pseuds/textbookchoices
Summary: That's the day's trivia question.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Tony Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35
Collections: We die afen and afen





	can spiders and cats have sex?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toucanpie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toucanpie/gifts).



> I'm so sorry but also I'm not at all sorry.

Iron Cat was beautiful.

It was a well known fact. Or, well, as well known as it could be when you woke up on a spaceship with a group of people who had no idea who they were or what they were doing and in fact had no memories at all.

But it wasn't like they needed memories to know that Iron Cat was _beautiful._ His armor was sleek, shining gold and deep, deep red, and that was before he'd figured out how to dismantle the armor and revealed his soft, silky fur, his strong legs and long, constantly twirling tail. 

And that's not even taking into account how soul-catching his eyes were. Spider-man--and he only knows that's his name because there was a helpful little name tag on all of their foreheads when they woke up--could stare at Iron Cat as he lies there, licking at his paws and cleaning his fur, just... forever. Forever and forever.

Spider-man, unfortunately, was not a cat.

He was a spider.

Small, fuzzy and brown with a little red-and-blue fabric suit that you'd think wouldn't have been so hard to get off considering he has eight legs. He can't go near Iron Cat. The last time he tried, Iron Cat caught sight of him and leapt so quickly that his paws had almost *caught* him and Spider-man would have ended up being dinner.

Not that he wasn't... completely... opposed to that... now that he thinks about it more thoroughly...

He inches closer, avoiding Captain Dog (and all that yellow fur, yuck) and Hawkeye (who has already almost caught him twice because he sees far too well) and scuttling around Black Widow where she's eyeing him suspiciously from the ceiling. 

He eyes Iron Cat again. 

He's just... so beautiful...

Oh so carefully, Spider-Man descends from the ceiling by a fine, silk web. If he can just get closer. Just enough to touch that beautiful, silky fur. He knows they can never *be together*. But... but he...

Suddenly, an orange cat named Goose is chased into the room, the angry lion called Thor and the green praying mantis named Hulk scrambling after *him*. Spider-Man, despite having been oh-so-careful with his web, is knocked down. He lands in a pot with a green vine and vividly bright flowers blooming and suddenly feels a burst of adrenaline and a terrible urge to mate. 

Why can't spiders and cats mate anyway? They'd have such strong offspring. Spider-man would protect the sac with his life. Desperately, he tries to climb out of the pot. Goose yowls angrily, followed by Iron Cat hissing furiously, and then Spider-Man's desperation lifts him into the air as if by magic. 

He begins to swing through the air toward Iron Cat, who is beginning to glow red with anger, his fur all raised along his back and his tongue sticking straight up threateningly.

Spider-Man can make him feel better, he knows it.

He needs Iron Cat, and Iron Cat needs him.

Suddenly, the ship turns and Thor slams into the panel next to the air lock, forcing it to burst open. Spider-Man is hanging on by a web for his life, when suddenly, Iron Cat flips into the air, his red-and-gold suit falling into place around him as if by magic, and he takes a wrench--from where, Spider-Man didn't see--and throws it at the panel. It rams in between two buttons, causing massive sparks, and the airlock slams shut. 

Spider-Man hits the ground hard. So hard, in fact, that he suddenly remembers his name isn't Spider-Man. Well, it is, but only sometimes. His name is Peter Parker, and this was supposed to be his wedding day! He was marrying Iron Cat! No, Iron _Man!_

He was supposed to be marrying Tony when this spaceship had shown up, ruining the ceremony entirely, and an orange cat with a crazy tongue--so an alien cat--had turned them all into animals using some kind of magic. What a disastrous wedding that the Avengers will likely gossip about for years. Peter had really been hoping they might escape without being kidnapped by super villains--he supposes he should have been hoping they weren't kidnapped by alien cats instead. 

Now to figure out how to turn back into a human before his fiance eats him.


End file.
